Miles’ Birthday Ode to Joy
Email sent 3.22.24 | 1 year, 3 months, 12 days
Hello Gorgeous Creatures,
We thought we’d have a party, we thought we were ready. Miles was meant to be 24 years old today. But instead I crumbled, we crumbled and then the rain arrived wearing its party dress. The rain came as a welcomed relief rather than its usual party pooper persona, we opened the door and let it in. There is no way around this river other than to wade right through it. There was a defeated happiness in celebrating Miles’ Birthday in the quiet pain and in the solitude of seemingly endless water.
Yes you read that right, happy give in, to be soaked by the grief. Satisfied to give up the fight that must be maintained with absurd regularity. You will hear it from the experts and idiots alike, and it’s true, the grief never goes away but continues to move through our systems to find its new resting place. Erratic, unpredictable and always on the move. Forever a part of who we have become. We gave birth to this grief as powerfully as we gave life to Miles. Yet grief is an asshole who feels free to whack us behind the knees at will and it's apparently not going anywhere. cool.
The same can be said for joy. And yes, since Miles’ accident I thought joy was an unwelcome asshole as well. A silly non essential, a thing of the past. Like watching caffeinated theater kids practicing for a play you’re not in. A complete emotional foreigner. But it’s authentically finding its way back in, and at times joy will come as a whack behind the knees as well. A life full of knee whacks these days. Yesterday, as I was feeling the creep of the “how do you celebrate the birthday of your child in spirit” blues, when a dear friend sent this poem. It landed gracefully in my needy morning heart :
JOY COMES BACK
When you finally realize
that joy is less fireworks, more firefly
less orchestra, more birdsong
she will come back much more often
for joy will not fight with the fast pace of this life
she is not in the shiny or the new
she breathes in the basic, simmers in the simple
and dances in the daily to and fro
joy has been beckoning you
for many a year my friend
you were just too busy doing, to see
the very next time joy wraps her quiet warmth around you
as the garden embraces your weary body in its wildness
tip her a nod, she doesn’t stay long
but if you are a gracious host
joy comes back.
~ Donna Ashworth
Ok fiiiiiine Donna. Joy, when you come a knocking we will let you in. I am thinking Miles will send us more rainbows if we obey.
Growing up, Miles found his joy hiding in so many easily accessible places, yet when the teens came a slithering in, he had to fight his way through the clutter. Boxing matches with demons on the regular. Navigating his teens, he was also navigating his relationship with his creativity, until the fine balance made itself at home and left openings for him to fill with music, writing, art and dance. This isn't necessarily a unique condition or formula to Miles. We know versions of this with all of the creatives in our lives. But it’s safe to say, joy can unilaterally rest easier when the monsters are spending more time in your rear view mirror rather than fearing that they are hidden in the hills ahead.
Yesterday this video unearthed itself. Miles at 18 sharing his music at his sister's college graduation from Humboldt State He was a month away from graduating high school himself and ready to close the door on that anxiety riddled chapter. The accessibility to joy now a better oiled machine. A song of palpable hope for what he has learned, endured and what he hoped was laying ahead.
Growing with beautiful Miles Map is up and running! After spending quite a bit of time arm wrestling with Google My Maps we are ready for some feedback and help.
We’re so excited! Plant a tree, scatter soil in your favorite plant, bring soil on vacation, keep soil next to your bed. He’s everywhere!
Click on your dot! If you’d like me to edit the descriptions or photos please let me know! Sometimes I just make shit up.
Please send (or re-send) your photos and descriptions and I’ll add. I lost track of some soil stories I am sure.
Let me know if you’re ready for soil. I finally have plenty of new containers.
The photos and videos seem to only work well on computers and not phones/ipads. (Photos are tiny and the videos non-existant). Does anyone know a work around? Have a friend at Google? Know of a better map app?
We look forward to the years ahead of sharing the love, having some fun and GPS growth dots galore!
Miles proudly wearing his Dan Reeder “the future looks like shit” t-shirt, 3 margs in on his 21st birthday.
Now that is a sight full of joy.
Gobs of love and giant hugs,
Laura, Izzy, David and Miles
